This is a direct rip-off out of the latest ASPIA Newsletter (it's for partners and parents of those with Aspergers), which describes how I spend a lot of my time, communication repair work and starting over. It's emotionally draining, sometimes devastating in its aftermath, and physically exhausting. I have never allowed myself to think long enough to write about this feeling because of the fear I have, that I will start screaming and never stop. Since this lady captures it beautifully, I see no need to reinvent the wheel. The up side is that I have just had to accept that this is how it is at our place...and depending on what degree of emotional energy I have that day, will be how well it is dealt with.
Thoughts . . .
I recently experienced a startling reminder of the unexpected and unpredictable difficulties that can occur when communicating with a loved one with Asperger tendencies.
This opening sentence in itself describes two of the most anxiety-producing aspects of communicating with someone with AS, 1) that problems in communication happen when we’re least expecting them, often over seemingly simple things or when things seem to be going along ok, and 2) that problems in communication happen unpredictably – sometimes they happen, sometimes they don’t, they’ll come from left-field and prevention seems so elusive.
What was highlighted in my recent experience was how difficult an AS person finds it to accept the validity of the meaning someone else places on a situation or experience when it is different to the meaning that same situation or experience has for them. In fact, the very existence of an opinion at variance to their own appears to represent a great dilemma for them, and even a threat to their emotional well-being. I watched as panic set in in this dear one’s eyes and demeanour. It was as though the very existence of a perspective different to their own meant to them that their own experience was entirely invalidated and that their personal rights and choices would be lost.
I felt cruel, yet all I wanted was to have my own perspective acknowledged as valid and equally worthy of existence alongside theirs.
What is so devastating and frustrating in relationships is that these episodes of “communication gone haywire” can end up being incredibly destructive to mutual trust and respect, and a residue of suspicion and mistrust begins to build up. It’s particularly sad when this may just be due to a difference in the meaning each person ascribes to an experience.
When a place of mutual understanding and acceptance of differing perspectives cannot be reached, no compromise or agreement can be negotiated or resolution found and we are left with a breach or chasm that defies repair and de-stabilises the relationship at its deepest core. Sadly this is a dynamic that seems to be occurring frequently in AS/non-AS relationships, leading to a snowballing of unresolved issues over many years. Most couples need help and education to be able to untangle the gridlock that these experiences establish over time.
Thankfully in the situation I have described we had the benefit of understanding AS and were able to re-visit the matter when emotions had settled, talk objectively about the process that had taken place, recover our communication and build on the experience.
How I wish I’d had that sort of understanding 25 years ago. I know I’m not alone when I say “What a difference that could have made.” Carol.
